just ate another dose of medicine- 20mg

supposedly this gets metabolized into a drug that has a longer half life. and then it is harder to get rid in your body. really makes a big diff when I eat it now compared to last time. last time when I was super unstable the effects of it couldn't be felt until 2 or 3 weeks later, but then still I was crying every day over things that didn't concern my relationship or what. 

now I'm too tired to think of those things. 

thank God today didn't have any of those challenges, no emotional kickbacks or things like that. I need to be mature and quick to learn on the job and then by the time I come back I need to start coding cuz data collection is coming. I really pray that church camp will totally change my heart and make it warm for God again, to make it tender and receptive to His word, because I'm sad to say that I've hardened my heart and always wanted to die, against His will. like I'm not happy then I should die, since I think living on this earth is a waste of time. but God hasn't planned for me to go yet, and  really should try I shine for Him on this earth. 

day two on Prozac 

at work now since 9, 

met Yima at the bus stop and I didn't need to take the 199 in and it was drizzling. 

the meds are helping and I'm rather hungry 

whyyyyyyy 

each time I say church camp is a drag it's because I think I don't have anything to fix, 

but now it's different I'm actually looking forward to it to help revive my dead heart 

I need to get rid of the evil in my life, the evil that is controlling me, making me feel up and down all the time, making me feel like I'm not worth it. i really believe that when I make this choice for God, He will give me a sound mind and He will honour me. because these feelings are not of God and not rational, not peaceful, not lovely. it tears me up inside thinking about it but the time for it is up. because it's killing you inside. 

think about the time in korea when you didn't need it, and didn't plan for it because you just didn't need it. 

you were just like I want bbt and then just sleep. was that bliss? that was. bliss after my bath time. 

don't think about those what it should have been or not times, because my life shouldn't be built around this DAMN THING. my life should be built on what I can do for both of us, for God to make things better, to build the relationship instead of like what we don't have but is evil. honestly, after yesterday do you think that helped? nope. not at all. love is more than that. it is. love is when you're about to jump and die and the person says that he will slap you and beat you unconscious just so you won't be able to do it. to restrain you to the bed so you wouldn't hurt yourself. love is when you're so beat up about yourself and you cause each other so much pain, and then he still sends you home. love is when he knows how or when you have eaten or not, because of your hormonal imbalances. love is when he pulls you to his chest and tells you that he loves you even when you tried to jump. 

i need to be a better person. 

I need to acknowledge my thoughts and my feelings and not push them away, address my concerns. and I know that once I'm on the right track, this illness will go. it will. because it was never here in the first place. 

Day#1

understanding myself isn't easy or simple at all. I don't even understand what I want or what I want to say sometimes. because the words don't and they refuse to come out of my mouth. 

I don't really want therapy. and I'm back on Prozac, going to record how I feel each day as I take it. I'm tired already from taking it, and I'm going to feel like the top of the world soon. can't wait.