I need to get rid of the evil in my life, the evil that is controlling me, making me feel up and down all the time, making me feel like I'm not worth it. i really believe that when I make this choice for God, He will give me a sound mind and He will honour me. because these feelings are not of God and not rational, not peaceful, not lovely. it tears me up inside thinking about it but the time for it is up. because it's killing you inside. 

think about the time in korea when you didn't need it, and didn't plan for it because you just didn't need it. 

you were just like I want bbt and then just sleep. was that bliss? that was. bliss after my bath time. 

don't think about those what it should have been or not times, because my life shouldn't be built around this DAMN THING. my life should be built on what I can do for both of us, for God to make things better, to build the relationship instead of like what we don't have but is evil. honestly, after yesterday do you think that helped? nope. not at all. love is more than that. it is. love is when you're about to jump and die and the person says that he will slap you and beat you unconscious just so you won't be able to do it. to restrain you to the bed so you wouldn't hurt yourself. love is when you're so beat up about yourself and you cause each other so much pain, and then he still sends you home. love is when he knows how or when you have eaten or not, because of your hormonal imbalances. love is when he pulls you to his chest and tells you that he loves you even when you tried to jump. 

i need to be a better person. 

I need to acknowledge my thoughts and my feelings and not push them away, address my concerns. and I know that once I'm on the right track, this illness will go. it will. because it was never here in the first place.